I Quit

Last night I opened a letter from Anthem informing me that I no longer need the therapy that has been helping me keep up enough strength and balance to go on.  Yeah, I can appeal this decision but the truth is I’m just too damned tired to care any longer when it is so obvious to me that no one else around me cares.  So, I quit!

I have spent every holiday, including Mother’s Days and Christmas, alone for so many years that I no longer even hope that they will visit, so I quit!

I gave birth 5 times, meaning 5 trips to the hospital to have them.  Neighbors took me because their dad didn’t have time — his brother and his farm were more important to him, so now I no longer care.  I quit.

The kids, 3 of whom lived, were told from the time they were old enough to understand that they didn’t have to do anything I told them to do, only what he told them, so I quit.

I have lived 75 years now, 64 of them with MS working away at my system.  I’ve been called lazy, no account, no good, and no kind of a woman.  I can’t count the many times my own mother told me she never wanted me, that my older brother was a perfect child until I came along and taught him to walk and talk, and even the worst thing — that it took her 3 years to beat the spirit out of me.  Until today enough of that spirit remained that I have been fighting to lead as normal a life as possible, but now, that’s it!  I’m through so I quit!

My daughter at least writes and visits as often as she can, but probably never again after this is posted.  I made it a point to always let my kids know they were wanted and they are loved.  But I’m too tired now to run a one-way battle so I quit.

No child should ever have to wonder or doubt that they are loved and how much they are, were, and always will be wanted, but if mine don’t care enough to visit me while I’m living, to be honest, I don’t want them to hang out in a funeral parlor pretending they cared when I’m gone.   I quit.

My arrangements will be changed tomorrow so that there will be immediate interment on my death.  No services, no visitation and no write-up in the paper.  I quit.

If you don’t care enough to visit while I am alive, you don’t deserve to hang out at a funeral pretending it all meant something after I’m gone.  Now no one will ever have to make the effort to pretend anything.  I quit!

Yes, I’m very depressed at the moment but as usual I’ll fight my way back, and I’ll do it on my own.  I’ve discovered in my lifetime that I’m the only person I can count on, so some day I’ll fight back out of this, but for now, I quit.

I’m too tired to clean up the mess around me, so it can pile to the ceiling for all I care at the moment.  I’m too tired to keep up the act, and I’m a very good actress!   But for now, I quit.

The blog will remain open but for the time being I won’t be posting at all.  One more thing I’m going to quit.  Seems funny, but I tried to never be a quitter before.  Now I’m going to give it a try just to see if I can be successful at just sitting here like the lump I’ve been accused of so many times.  All I want to do right now is sleep.  I won’t be back online for a while.  I might even decide not to attend the family reunion because I can’t chew the food anyway.  I quit caring now.

Maybe some day I’ll be back but I doubt that anyone will care.  I enjoyed it for a long time but now I don’t really enjoy much of anything.  I quit caring.